Strawberry

This is the last feeling dump I'll put up for a while.

I'm not that great. Sometimes I have ridiculous tantrums. Somedays, I'm incredibly silly. People always assume I'm too laid back and care free- but I try, just as hard as anyone else. I'm not interesting, I just follow the waves. I don't have many likes, so I cherish what I do have. Art is the only thing I have that keeps me sane. I'm not pretty. I don't talk to a lot of people I fear I'm bothering. I know I have a lot of short comings- I don't need to be reminded constantly. I'm extremely depressed and it feels like there's no way out. I'm much more vulnerable than I let on. I don't have much, and all I do is try

Sorry that I'm not all that interesting. Sorry that I'm not dynamic. Sorry that sometimes I get too caught up in my few pleasures. Sorry it's hard for me to be the successful girl you want me to be.

Sorry for all my failures.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry...
Strawberry

Frustrations.

I needed a place to vent that wasn't Facebook. I just need to get this out of my system. And a birthday reminder reminded me of LJ. Haven't been here in a while. Feel free to tell me if I was a little too... sensitive myself, I dunno. I just feel disrespected.

This is directed at someone, but I'm choosing not to bring it up and turn this into a drama, considering they can be overly sensitive, and this could probably brew up a friend war, and I'm tired of seeing them all over the place, so I'd rather pass. So I guess this is kind of an anon letter?

Dear Friend, 

Aight, to start this little thing off... when I visited, you were quite in a tizz about my boyfriend not talking to you in quite a while... How many times must I explain that not only is he now rather busy with work, I've already explained countless times that he's not personally talking to or hanging out with anyone until he feels enough stability to do so. You recognized this and respected this decision, so I figured you'd be more understanding. The anger was quuuite unnecessary. Besides, I hear it from a lot of people, ones that should more so feel like maybe something's wrong- you've known him just about as long as I have, so you're aware the type of person he is, and he's not for dodging people for nonsense. 

But instead of understanding, you started to become hostile at the fact that he "forgot" your birthday (when in reality, he had a closing shift and got home after... umm... yeah, midnight, like I said, and sent birthday wishes once he could- which you rolled your eyes to. Also unnecessary.) -which resulted to you in trying to bash him, which somehow turned into a string of things that were disrespectful towards me. Earlier, I had specifically told you I has having issues with a lacking self esteem, and what do you tell me in order to bash him...? His inability to do things. What does that include? That one time he couldn't quite end it smoothly with an ex and how he ended up making out with her on the couch? Yeah, that was a nice mouthful of sting. I think the face and awkward nod should have sufficed, but then you bring up the creepy stalker ex of his. I had to cut in, because I knew about this already and would have rather not continued it- but I did bring up how the situation could have been curbed if when you contacted me, you spoke clearly and kept it concise- you called me to go pick him up because I lived 15 minutes away- by the time you got that out to me was 40 some odd minutes later when he was already in the train and stuck in that still awkward position. Yeah. 


THEN after that, you bring up when you were trying to ask him out. I knew you were going to bring up how you kissed him, so I was going to let it go- but then you unnecessarily bring up how he has nice, soft lips that are nice to kiss. And you said it from your own self enjoyment, not saying it to me in any other sort of way.

Um.

Not only do you have a boyfriend who wouldn't appreciate that.

I'm the girlfriend who, not only is in an intimate enough relationship to be aware of how he kisses, does not appreciate that either.

I know there I drew the line there. You said there was word that he liked someone and that might have been the reason why. I know I was feeling a little annoyed at the directions you kept going, so I admitted that the girl was me. Someone who at the time awkwardly told you go ahead and give it a try. You got mad that I did and asked why did I let you go through with it and look stupid.

Because I wasn't sure if people were telling the truth. Truth be told, I had a crush on him too, but I'm not the kind of girl to hoard for myself to selfishly try, and I was unsure. There were also some... complicated things at the time, and I'm a little too... all or nothing with my feelings. But honestly... kissing a guy after they rejected you the day before (or whenever it happened)... is kinda... um. I don't know, but I know I wouldn't do that. Sure, I didn't tell you for 4 years, but why would I casually bring that up anyway?

I thought from there, the conversation would die, seeing as now I'm pretty sure my comfort level and any sort of smile on my face was long gone- but no.

You say that at one point maybe when he and I were already together, he may have been sexually attracted to you for a moment? Um. Yeah, REALLY not happy.

And I'm sure that was evident. But then you said that you miss when he visited alone, with an emphasis on the freakin' word alone. When he visited alone, he was kind of single. And your mom kind of wanted him to date you. Now that we're together, it's kind of inappropriate, y'know. And I know you're kind of a little lacking in the censorship department, and would walk around in a shirt with no bra and rather short shorts and things like that, because you don't quite care. Um. I kind of do. And I'm sure your boyfriend would too.

I know you're a friend and all- but there are these things called boundaries. And you kind of don't have them. You kinda bulldoze 'em to the side.

All in all, there was a lack in respect- or a lack of thought in what you were saying, and I didn't appreciate it. At all. I'm just leaving it at this rant you won't see, but if something like this happens again, I will voice my displeasure. K, thanks.

-A very displeased Sam. 

I hope I feel better after this.
  • Current Music
    Train- Drive By
Kanda dancing

Meme~

Did this before, but eh, what the heck.

Tell me something. Post it anonymously. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love: anything you want. Something about you, something about me, anything at all.

Be sure to post honestly. Post as many times as you want.
  • Current Music
    Nothing at the moment
Kanda dancing

40 hours of being awake~ :O

My AIM doesn't work. *PUNTS* feel free to text it! C:

Lol, anyway! Aside from the fact that I'm still ever so crazy and hungry like nobody's business right now.... Actually, I'm going to make me a sandwich now!

...10 Mins and a sandwich later: Like I was saying, aside from hunger and insanity, I've been so absolutely happy! This is hopefully the last self-discovery post in which I do not continue this back pedaling. Now- onto the point of this entry! Whoop whooooop!

Sometimes it's the little things that open eyes. Nothing eloqent. No fancy phrases. Just a simple sentence. It ended on a supposedly negative note, with a "Yeah so... Sama...I'm sorry."

Nothing about what was said was sad. It made me smile, and be absolutely and truly happy. It brought back what I lost. I found me again (and this time, I got her shackled by the ankles, so she don't escape! ).

All this brooding, complaining, being needlessly aggresive at times, needing something to lean on so often... crying... That isn't me. Not at all. I became cold, distant. Even a lot of the writing I did, the change was ever so evident. And I'm tired of being that way! I love being other people's pillar- warm, tender, supportive (why is it starting to sound like the menu in Micky D's...?)

But in all seriousness, I learned a lot (like don't believe the bastard who's kicking the crap out of you. Great lesson here kiddies! You'll avoid head and body aches! :D *thumbs up* ) all I know is I'm functioning on an hour of sleep and 36 hours on my feet- so I'mmah sleepin before I make no sense soon. <3

I'd like to thank my family for screwing stuff up like my brain and life at one point, my friends for putting up with my personality swap and being there for me and and... Dumpling, for being the cutest dog ever.

Life is too short to make second guesses. Sometimes you have to not always follow what your mind thinks too (hell, if I had followed my mind, I'd be in some serious messes. >_>; )

Oh, and don't settle for less. Cuz that always sucks. :O tho' that isn't something I faced. :3

Ah! I'm not scared of lightning anymore! I deserve a highfive! ...Okay, I broke 40 hours of consciousness- I don't even know what I'm writing. I'm just letting my mind go as it pleases.

I think it's time for me to hit le hay, before I seem anymore nutso xD Night folks! I'mma not read this over so I do not break this brain O' mineee~
  • Current Music
    Nuffin~
Lenalee- Oops

:D

I think I'm satisfied for life. C: Anything that manages to shoot my mood... Damn. O_o it'd have to be pretty damn depressing.

For the comments I couldn't yet get to in the last entry, thanks you two for the input. Seriously.

I'm not gonna let another bastard touch me again. C:

...I'm hungry D:
  • Current Music
    my stomach asking for foooood
Strawberry

Meme~

Post a picture in my comments of what you think describes me when you think about what/who I am.

Give no written explanation. Just an image.

Post this in your journal and see what images you get.
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    Dear You (Visonen Im Spiegel [sp?])
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Strawberry

So Exhausted.

One hell of a weekend. Not only did I work standing for hours non stop (11-8:30ish) with only a 30 min break once in the day- I went to visit friends at NYAF- definitely worth it. I <3 everrryoneeee. Friday was an amusing day, as definitely was Saturday (Tho' Sat- the time I got out of work was killer... my poor feet were dying. I did better standing than I did in flats in the least. ) But afterwards was definitely fun, though the long day really did show through my speech.

....I swear, Diet-Free Coffee is normal. I can explain.

Saturday night at Asia's was fun. Stayed up too late, had an interesting conversation or two...five. A lot. Hahahaha. Oh Asia. So silly. And Motherly.

Anyway- Today was fun, aside from the fact that I was like... attacked every which way. The really temp Jo went over well with people, but *sigh* a good handful of the people I know don't know how to respect -__- I lost count how many times they groped at my chest and rear. I don't give a crap what I'm wearing, it doesn't give the right to touch. Shit. There were a lot of smacks and wrist twisting today. >/

But towards the end of the day was cool. C: Made a new cool friend too.

Anyway. I'm tired. And kinda hungry. Work at opening I think.... ~_~ If it's not opening time I'm supposed to be in.... shoot me.

Annyway. That's all. :3
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
Bak: D:

What the Bloody Hell Man D:

Why must people pay for the jobs that you could ensure you'd be there for a long time?! Jksuderthfdhgdg Pay would be amazing, and placement is guaranteed once I'm cerified, even if I hop states or countries even ><

But it's so damn expensive D: (duh, considering it's a school...) But nmjsdmhjngfdhwethdght the paaaay ;; and the wooooork ;; the hours toooooo *dies*

Time to look for something not so awesome. Ah well.
  • Current Music
    Always-Ashlee Beedle's remix: Bent